What to Do After
a Divorce or Break Up by Dr.
Doris Jeanette, SexuallyFit columnist To lose your partner is always
painful. It hurts. Your body aches and your heart feels like it is going to explode.
You are face to face with the most important decision in your life. The choice
you make at this moment determines how the rest of your life unfolds. When
your heart is broken by divorce or a break up or a death, you can either feel
the emotional pain or continue to try to avoid your hurt feelings. If you choose
to become more defended, your body becomes harder and your heart closes tighter.
In your next relationship you are sure to repeat your same old Òhurt pattern.Ó
You might even think that you are attracting the same kind of person yet again,
but it is your same- old- pattern. On the other hand, you can choose to
be wise and brave. You can choose to open up to the emotional pain that is currently
happening instead of running away from it. When you choose to open up to your
emotional pain, your body becomes more relaxed and your energy flows. You resolved
your Òhurt patternÓ and do not have to repeat it in your next relationship. The
thing you need to hear the most is that you are lovable and that you are loved.
This is what you need to remind yourself of over and over again, even though it
does not feel true right now. In addition, you need to reassure yourself that
you have done nothing wrong and there is nothing wrong with you. You might
be thinking that if you had only done this, they wouldn't have left or if you
had only done that, they wouldn't have died. Or you might be experiencing regret
that you abandoned your partner. Reassure yourself that you are not a terrible,
bad, unlovable person. This is true and it helps to hear it and say it to yourself.
A broken heart needs love, not judgment. No one is perfect. You do not
have to be perfect to be loved. Perfect is an image and no one loves an image.
You can only love your real self and the real self of others. This is what
you want to get better at doing-loving your real self. As you learn to open instead
of close to your emotional pain, you feel your hurt and letting it move through
you. You are learning to stand on your own two feet and support yourself.
You are learning to take care of yourself so that your needs and desires are met.
Hurt is the first sign of life. It is like a frostbitten hand. It hurts
when it is warming up. When your hand is frozen and ready to die, there is no
pain. You hurt when you are returning to life. So remind yourself that pain is
the first sign of a richer life. "A
Natural Process for Opening the Heart-Your Emotional Guide to Self Esteem",
provides the information and comfort you need to heal your own broken heart. You
learn how to stay with yourself though the process of letting go of past hurts
once and for all so that you do not repeat them. There is a wonderful, delightful
magic that happens when you heal your broken heart. Your hurts disappear. The
area where your hurt was frozen in your body now is open and soft so that you
can receive love. Open Hearts attract love. Divorce, break ups and loss
can help you love yourself and others more. Take a deep breath and feel the power
of your own heart. Doris Jeanette, Psy.D, is a SexuallyFIT columnist and
author of "A Natural Process for Opening the Heart - Your Emotional Guide
to Self Esteem." Tapes, CDs
or e-book are available | 
